The Principle of Choosing Your Regret

The Principle Series

 

 

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“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”

– Attributed to Mark Twain but some say H. Jackson Brown Jr

 

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The Oxford language dictionary – the one Google brings up when you define a word – says that Regret is to “feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).”

Not that we needed that definition, mind you: I strongly suspect everyone understands it.

Moreover, EVERYONE has experienced regret at some point in the past – and, in fact, many of us live in the land of regret constantly.

Maybe it’s related to your career: “I wish I would have taken that job.”

It could be something with your health: “I wish I would have taken better care of myself.”

And if you have kids, I KNOW you have regrets there: “I wish I would have spent more time with them,” or “I regret saying this or that to them,” or “I should have done this with them,” or…

You get the point – and know what I mean.

Ultimately, no matter what we do, we WILL have regrets. Since that’s the case (because I don’t know a single person on Earth who doesn’t have regrets), the focus should be on having as few as possible – AND how to manage the ones we know we’ll have.

 

Enter The Principle of Choosing Your Regret

 

The basic assertion of this principle is that it’s better to regret having decided/do something than living in the land of “what-ifs” (more on that later).

So many people decide to play it safe – and normally, we think that’s the best way to approach things. Sometimes it is. But sometimes it isn’t.

John Maxwell, renowned author and leadership guru, wrote in The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader:

 

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“Proactive people always take risks. But one of the reasons good leaders are willing to take risks is that they recognize there is a price for not initiating, too.”

 

Related: Read The 21 Indispensable Qualities of Leader – Book Review

 

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And the outcome of playing it safe? Most of us constantly wonder what would have happened if we had made a different choice rather than play it safe.

Everyone reading this knows it to be true, too.

“What if I would have taken that job?”

“What if I had started that company?”

“What would life be like if I had pursued that opportunity?”

“What if I would have just taken that chance?”

So on and on the questions go – until we hit mental fatigue from our inner monologue.

Yes, we can regret our actual choice. In fact, many of us make really poor ones. But when weighed on the scales – and balanced by maturity, intentionality, and SWAG (Scientific Wild A** Guess) – I’d wager we regret the choices we didn’t make more.

And that is The Principle of Choosing Your Regret in a nutshell.

 

One more caveat before we begin: This article is closely linked with The Principle of Choosing Your Pain, and is a natural succession to it. How so?

First, you choose your pain – the pain of self-discipline or the pain of regret. For most, they inadvertently choose the pain of regret – intentionally or by omission. So what we advocate is that you carefully think about what you’re choosing – and intentionally choose the pain of self-discipline.

Once you’ve chosen your pain (again, ideally the pain of self-discipline), you begin choosing your regret. You cannot get away from regret – BUT you can choose WHAT you regret – and seek to minimize it. The two may seem close in content, but the distinction will be more evident as you read the article.

 

Where This Principle Applies

 

This principle has broad applications; in fact, there is no area of your life where it couldn’t be applied – that’s how sweeping it is.

However, some areas are more relevant and prominent than others. Those areas are the ones we’ll take a look at in order to drive the point – or principle of choosing your regret – home. It is my sincere hope that you not only understand this principle but heed its warnings, too.

 

Our Families

 

First on the list is our families. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have family regrets of some kind. Indeed, if people understood choosing their regret in just one area of their life, entire destinies could be changed.

You see, while there are numerous voices out there prompting you to hustle, work harder, and sacrifice to get to/achieve/obtain something, there are relatively few voices advocating otherwise. Overall, this is a good balance –  most know what it will be like IF they keep doing the same old same old: the same old results. The outcome of hustling, working harder, etc.? We just don’t know. That constant thought of “what-ifs” is haunting, indeed.

However, on balance, there is another piece we often forget: the cost. There is a cost to everything we do, including the pursuit of success, and far too often, most of us do not stop and think about it.

We don’t do our research for opportunities, what we are giving up, what it will cost, and what the unintended consequences are – all while vigorously pursuing achievement elsewhere.

And in the end? Many people I know haven’t even become successful in their pursuits. And even those who did, in fact, become successful have remorse because they didn’t take the time to consider their regrets. Indeed, a great number of them regret deeply working more hours at the expense of their time with their families.

Do you know how many travelers wish they could have their time back – missed ball games, functions, or tucking your kids in bed each night?

Or how about the overtime kings – working long hours seemingly on end? ( I was one – and from time to time, find myself thrust into the role). How much have they given up in exchange?

I’ve never met someone who said the exchange was worth it in the end.

Now, I am NOT saying you shouldn’t pursue success. What’s more, the bar for success has never been lower, and that certainly is appealing.

All I am saying here is that you should consider the cost, the tradeoff of your time with your family – few people do – and weigh it on the scales.

Your kids are only young once. I have heard so many men over the course of my career lament that they worked too much, spent too much time on their hobbies, spent too little time with their kids, only to have time pass by and now regret their choices deeply.

Michael Keaton knows this. too. He advocates for spending as much time as you can with your kids, because – “You will never regret it.”

 

 

You can ALWAYS make more money – you NEVER get your time back.

 

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Related: Read Time: THE Most Important Asset

 

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Choose your regret wisely. That’s my advice.

 

Our Career

 

On the heels of our families, we look at choosing your regret in our careers next.

For my part, I know so many people who carry around deep regrets where their careers are concerned. They regret working so much. They regret sacrificing for the company in exchange for, essentially, in the end, nothing. They regret missing so much family time for insignificant recognition – if they even received it. It is puzzling that people only see this at the close of or near the end of their careers. They rightly wonder what their respective careers would have been like if they had taken the time to listen to others who tried to warn them early on.

On the other side, there are those of us who regret NOT taking chances. We regret not learning new skills that could have taken our careers in new, different, and exciting directions. We regret not applying for or taking that job. What would our career be like? What kind of life could I have had? What new challenges would I have faced? What kind of growth could I have experienced?

These and other questions linger as we think back over our careers and the choices we could have – and did – make.

What’s more, there are no easy answers, either. It’s lamentable that this discussion is largely had towards the sunset of one’s career – IF it is even had, that is. Many just fade into the background, taking their valuable experience with them without even trying to pass it down. No mentoring, no lessons, no wisdom.

Listen – what we are talking about here is the massive regret people experience on BOTH sides of this equation. What’s more, most people never take the time to seriously think about things; instead, they blindly head into something without counting the cost and – yes, choosing their regret.

You WILL have regret associated with your career – you cannot avoid it. But you CAN choose what you regret. Most don’t, but you can.

And yes, it’s likely you’ll have some regrets about those decisions, too. But at least they will have been intentional, rather than just happening to you.

 

Our Finances

 

Choosing your regret here is simple, but often, it isn’t easy – and most people default to what IS easy.

Most people (being generous, here – this applies to EVERY single person I’ve ever talked to) wish they had saved more for retirement, and with The Principle of Choosing Your Regret applied, they choose, through omission of saving – to spend. They spent freely, and when the years went by, most wished they had exercised some discipline and saved.

In other words, by not intentionally saving for many years – and spending more than they should – they choose their regret, and it’s the regret of not saving.

Taking the time to be intentional about what you do (there’s that word, again), you can, in the long run, look back and say you choose your regret.

What regret, you ask?

The regret of not trying to keep up with the Joneses, not trying to impress people you don’t even really like, not spending more than you have, not trying to live above your means, giving up doing/going/participating in some things because you are playing the long game. In short, it’s the short-term regret that manifests into long-term satisfaction.

 

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Related: Read The Budgeting Series

 

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On the face of it, then, it isn’t really a regret, overall – which makes THIS particular subject a good one to talk about, advocate for, and, in the end, strive for.

Be wise, here – your future self will thank you for it.

 

Our Time

 

Ah, yes – time. Elsewhere I’ve said it is the most important asset you have. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Because of this, it is especially important for you to be intentional about choosing what you regret down the line.

And I don’t know anyone who hasn’t regretted how they’ve wasted their time on some things, either. Some of those things we discuss below.

 

Technology

 

Like, for example, spending too much time scrolling through social media on your phone.

This website says Americans spend a whopping 4.5 hours a day looking at their smartphone!

Exploding Topics says it is 3 hours and 15 minutes.

Fortune reports that the average person checks their smartphone 144 times a day.

What’s more, this website – which didn’t differentiate between smartphones, tablets, and school/leisure – said that American teenagers spend 8 hours and 39 minutes on screens.

Does anyone know the study that screen time is good for you? Or that social media is actually healthy for the person?

And yes, I realize that you are reading this right now on a screen – I strongly suspect, however, that you intuitively know the difference between reading, researching, improving your life, and just “killing time.”

 

Coasting Through Life

 

On the heels of technology, we have coasting through life.

Most of us know what coasting through life is; it’s where we just simply drift through – we are ambitionless, allowing the waves of everyday life to toss us to and fro.

And, if we are honest, the majority of us live right here.

No one that I’m aware of has said they wished they had spent more time just coasting. On the contrary, most people regret not setting goals and achieving them.

And I agree. Set some goals, pursue them, and stop coasting through life.

 

Hobbies

Not picking on golf – it’s just what a lot of guys do when they get older as a hobby

 

I’m not trying to dump on hobbies, here. Merely, I want to point out something I’ve seen numerous people say as they’ve grown older: As they’ve aged, they regret having spent so much time in their hobbies – and the reason? It took them away from their families, their responsibilities, and possible opportunities, too.

For what it’s worth, I think people should have hobbies. It is one of the things many men lack as they age; they have identified solely with their occupation for so long that when they retire, they decline rapidly.

However, you shouldn’t spend too much time absorbed in them, either. Many people have lamented not doing something that TRULY matters because they were distracted by hobbies.

 

Opportunities

 

Giving a nod to the original quote, the article began with: Most people, in 20 years, will look back and regret the choices they didn’t make more than the ones they did.

That doesn’t mean you should throw caution to the wind and chase after every single opportunity that comes your way. Nor does it mean you ought to dismiss opportunities outright, either.

Instead, it means that far too often, people regret the opportunities they didn’t take more than the ones they did. For the ones they took, many didn’t do enough research, have enough people speaking truth into their life, weigh things (and information) in the scales to see where things measured up; In the end, most people just jumped on something too quickly, with little to no relevant info.

On the other side of regret – which is where, I believe, more people reside, to be honest – are those who didn’t act on opportunities. They didn’t consider them; instead, they played it safe, not taking any risks or chances. I firmly believe most people have regrets they carry around when it comes to opportunity – and I believe it’s due to missed opportunities over ones acted upon.

 

Living in the Land of “What-If”

This brings us to what I like to call “Living in the land of what-if.” It is one of the worst places you could hope to ever find yourself. Perhaps even more alarming is that it extends to our children and others in our realm of influence, too.

The reason? Since we don’t recognize and act on opportunities ourselves, we have a difficult time seeing them for others.

 

FAR too many people live in the land of “what-if,” and if we are honest with ourselves, everyone knows it, too. Many of us inadvertently choose this regret as well. Yes, we didn’t choose to take that other job, or spend that extra time with family, or take that risk – but by NOT choosing, we actually DID choose – and with that choice is a first-class ticket to the land of “what-if.”

 

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Related: Read The Principle of Choosing Your Pain

 

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Hopefully, as you go forward, you will recognize the warnings I’ve given, understand how our choices (or our lack of making them, to be honest), and try your best to avoid the land of what-if – by exercising The Principle of Choosing Your Regret.

 

What Can People Do?

 

Know that everyone will deal with regret – it’s part of the human condition. Recognize that we cannot escape it, either – but we can minimize it.

Be absolutely intentional about what you do: the choices you make, the endeavors you pursue, the time you spend (or waste) – ALL of it. Account for everything. Set goals, prioritize time with your loved ones, and know that once a moment is gone, you can never get it back.

I’d also advise you to talk to older people in your life, ask them about their experiences, what they regret, the choices they made (and the ones they wish they could take back), and be a sponge. Learn all you can while you can.

Then, implement whatever changes you need to make in your life so you can, to the best of your ability, choose your regret.

Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

 

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